The Sacred Value of Being Alone: Solitude in the Dark Night of the Soul
1. A Hidden Longing in a Loud World
In an age of hyperconnectivity, constant stimulation, and perpetual exposure to noise—both literal and digital—many people find themselves unexpectedly longing for solitude. It’s not necessarily because they dislike others, but because they can no longer hear themselves. The internal voice becomes drowned out by the noise of productivity, messaging apps, and the endless presence of other people’s expectations.
This longing for aloneness becomes even more noticeable among people who engage in spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, or contemplation. Sometimes, without any obvious reason, a quiet but firm inner pull arises: Step away. Be still. Be alone.
Far from being a retreat from life, this movement toward solitude may in fact be the soul's instinctive response to a deeper transformation at work. For the Christian mystic John of the Cross, aloneness is not an escape but a necessary condition for inner purification. Especially in what he famously calls the dark night of the soul, solitude becomes a sacred space—a furnace in which the soul is unmade and remade.
Table of Contents
1. A Hidden Longing in a Loud World ✔️
2. Aloneness vs. Loneliness
3. The Spiritual Solar Eclipse
4. The Sacred Withdrawal: A Biblical Pattern
5. The Paradox of Wanting and Refusing Connection
6. When Trauma and the Dark Night Overlap
7. The Tension with the Outside World
8. Final Reflections: Solitude as a Calling
2. Aloneness vs. Loneliness
Before going deeper, we need to clarify a subtle but essential distinction: the difference between being alone and being lonely.
Loneliness is usually experienced as a lack. It hurts. It arises when we feel cut off from others, unseen, uncared for. It is passive and often painful.
Aloneness, on the other hand, can be chosen. It is an active turning inward, a deliberate withdrawal not to escape the world but to descend deeper into one’s own soul.
In his commentary on the Dark Night, John of the Cross writes:
“What is needed is this: solitude—deep inner solitude. To enter into oneself and not meet anyone for hours. To be alone, as one once was alone…”
This kind of solitude is not recreational. It’s not a quiet evening with a book. It’s a deep stillness where no voice from outside is needed and no distraction is needful. In that inner chamber, the soul begins to detach—not only from others but even from its own previous spiritual certainties.
3. The Spiritual Solar Eclipse
John of the Cross describes two major stages in the soul’s journey through the dark night. First, the active night, in which a person willingly surrenders their attachments. And then the more difficult passive night, in which God removes even the inner lights that once gave comfort, direction, or meaning.
It’s like a spiritual solar eclipse. A believer who once walked confidently in the light suddenly experiences an unrelenting nightfall. The warmth, clarity, and sense of divine presence vanish. But not because something is wrong—on the contrary, because something deeper is happening.
As John puts it:
“God leads the soul in darkness, like a blind person. Where and how, it does not know.”
There is no road map here. No inner compass. All old ways of praying, understanding, or feeling fall away. This is where being alone becomes not just helpful but essential. Only in stillness can the soul begin to grow beyond what it can name or understand.
4. The Sacred Withdrawal: A Biblical Pattern
5. The Paradox of Wanting and Refusing Connection
A strange paradox often emerges in this dark phase. On the one hand, a person may feel abandoned and long for connection. They want companionship, someone to talk to, even just the feeling of being understood. But when a friend calls or shows up, the same person may suddenly recoil, overwhelmed, wanting only to retreat again into silence.
This emotional contradiction is one of the signatures of the dark night. It’s not hostility toward others, nor a mental health crisis in itself. It’s the soul's painful realization that even the presence of others cannot resolve the deeper transformation underway.
John explains that God allows all sources of support to dry up so the soul can begin to lean on God alone:
“God removes from the soul all sensible support, so that it may learn to rely on Him alone.”
However, this is also where psychological discernment becomes essential.
6. When Trauma and the Dark Night Overlap
The experience of withdrawal, disconnection, and the refusal of help—while common in the dark night—can also occur in another domain: trauma.
When people go through deep spiritual practices—like intensive meditation, contemplative prayer, or even extended silence—it’s not uncommon for old unconscious material to surface. Childhood wounds, neglected emotional pain, or unprocessed trauma can rise unexpectedly. This is not a failure of meditation or a danger of contemplation—it's simply a sign that deep layers of the psyche are opening, as they must when the soul grows.
In a separate blog post about trauma, I explore how these early life wounds can show up during spiritual work. And the danger here is subtle but serious: someone may begin to experience trauma symptoms (emotional flooding, avoidance, fear of closeness, withdrawal) but misinterpret them as “just part of the dark night.”
The result? They refuse help—because they think it’s all spiritual.
Yet trauma and the dark night can coexist. It's not either/or. One does not cancel the other out. And refusing psychological help only because one assumes it's “all spiritual” can be a serious mistake.
If you recognize such patterns in yourself—especially the refusal to let anyone in, or the fear of being helped—it may be wise to ask not whether you are in a dark night, but whether trauma may also be active. There is no shame in seeking both psychological and spiritual support. Sometimes they must work hand in hand.
7. The Tension with the Outside World
One of the difficulties people face in the dark night is how it affects their relationships. From the outside, they may appear distant, depressed, or unmotivated. Conversations become shallow. Social events feel overwhelming. People may interpret this as rudeness or disengagement—but they fail to see the interior labor that is silently unfolding.
To make matters worse, it’s not just friends who fall silent. God also seems absent. Prayer becomes dry. Spiritual practices feel hollow. What once brought consolation now feels lifeless.
John describes this as a necessary unlearning:
“God darkens the soul not to abandon it, but to purify its faculties for a greater union.”
The dark night empties not only the emotions, but the intellect, memory, and will. It’s a total dismantling of the self’s former foundations. And that dismantling must often happen in solitude.
8. Final Reflections: Solitude as a Calling
The message of the dark night is not: Be strong and go it alone.
The message is: Let yourself be undone, so something deeper can emerge.
Solitude may feel harsh. It may expose your fears. It may stretch your limits. But it is often the only place where the deepest truths can reach us.
If you feel yourself pulled into aloneness—if you are distancing yourself from your old patterns, your old sources of comfort, even from the people you love—it may not be a breakdown. It may be the beginning of something.
You can also listen to my podcast or watch my video for more reflections on the paradoxes of abandonment in the Dark Night which may support you.
What looks like darkness may be concealment, not absence.
What feels like emptiness may be the quiet space before new life.
The dark night is not the end. It may be the threshold.
And solitude is not punishment. It may be the beginning of intimacy with the One who has always been there.
References
John of the Cross. (1959). Dark night of the soul (E. Allison Peers, Trans.). Image Books. (Original work published ca. 1578)May, G. G. (2004). The dark night of the soul: A psychiatrist explores the connection between darkness and spiritual growth. HarperOne.
Naranjo, C. (1999). The End of Patriarchy: And the Dawning of a Tri-Authentic Society. Gateways Books.
Singer, M. A. (2007). The untethered soul: The journey beyond yourself. New Harbinger Publications.
Comments
Post a Comment